The register
Landmark Arguments
These are the arguments Britain has been having forever — in kitchens, in pubs, in group chats at midnight — with the same two sides and the same raised voices every time. The Tribunal hears each one properly, once, and keeps the judgment on file.
Landmark argument
Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit?
Britain's oldest snack dispute, and the one case where a real tribunal agrees with us.
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Landmark argument
Is Die Hard a Christmas film?
Christmas party, Christmas soundtrack, machine guns. The Court is unmoved by release dates.
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Landmark argument
Does pineapple belong on pizza?
The angriest food argument on the internet, heard properly and without shouting.
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Landmark argument
Jam or cream first on a scone?
Devon says cream. Cornwall says jam. Somebody has to decide, and it may as well be us.
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Landmark argument
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Bread, filling, hand. Team Sandwich wins the definition and loses the room.
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Landmark argument
Is cereal a soup?
Solids in liquid, bowl, spoon. The Court asks who actually made the liquid.
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Landmark argument
Should ketchup be kept in the fridge or the cupboard?
Conducted almost entirely by facial expression. The Court reads the label out loud.
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Landmark argument
Is “scone” pronounced to rhyme with “gone” or “cone”?
Geography, class and vowels, all before the tea has brewed.
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Landmark argument
Should you put your Christmas tree up in November or December?
A neighbour's November tree, and the nation's annual sharp intake of breath.
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Landmark argument
Is it acceptable to recline your seat on a plane?
Two passengers, one set of inches, sold twice by the same airline.
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Landmark argument
Should you wear shoes inside the house?
The two-second diplomatic incident that happens on every doormat in Britain.
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Landmark argument
Is a burger a sandwich?
The stronger half of the sandwich question, usually sprung as a trap.
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Landmark argument
Should you shower in the morning or at night?
Two routines, one bathroom, and no possibility of a shared answer.
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Landmark argument
Is it acceptable to eat pizza with a knife and fork?
Cutlery, hands, and the small noise somebody always makes across the table.
Enter the caseLandmark argument
Is it called dinner or tea?
The North says tea. The South says dinner. The Court attempts diplomacy and fails politely.
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Should milk go in tea before or after the water?
The Court separates teapot law from mug law and saves several households.
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Should toilet roll hang over or under?
A tiny engineering dispute with the emotional temperature of constitutional law.
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What is the ideal thermostat temperature: 18°C, 20°C or 21°C?
Britain's quiet war of secret clicks, settled at an aggressively reasonable 20°C.
Enter the caseLandmark argument
Should you sleep with the bedroom window open or closed?
Fresh air meets the person who thinks 14°C is an indoor emergency.
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Got an argument of your own?
Enough reading other people's disputes. Bring yours before the Tribunal and one of you gets to be right in writing.
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