The register
Landmark Arguments
These are the arguments Britain has been having forever — in kitchens, in pubs, in group chats at midnight — with the same two sides and the same raised voices every time. The Tribunal hears each one properly, once, and keeps the judgment on file.
Landmark argument
Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit?
Britain's oldest snack dispute, and the one case where a real tribunal agrees with us.
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Landmark argument
Is Die Hard a Christmas film?
Christmas party, Christmas soundtrack, machine guns. The Court is unmoved by release dates.
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Landmark argument
Does pineapple belong on pizza?
The angriest food argument on the internet, heard properly and without shouting.
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Landmark argument
Jam or cream first on a scone?
Devon says cream. Cornwall says jam. Somebody has to decide, and it may as well be us.
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Landmark argument
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Bread, filling, hand. Team Sandwich wins the definition and loses the room.
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Landmark argument
Is cereal a soup?
Solids in liquid, bowl, spoon. The Court asks who actually made the liquid.
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Landmark argument
Should ketchup be kept in the fridge or the cupboard?
Conducted almost entirely by facial expression. The Court reads the label out loud.
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Landmark argument
Is “scone” pronounced to rhyme with “gone” or “cone”?
Geography, class and vowels, all before the tea has brewed.
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Landmark argument
Should you put your Christmas tree up in November or December?
A neighbour's November tree, and the nation's annual sharp intake of breath.
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Landmark argument
Is it acceptable to recline your seat on a plane?
Two passengers, one set of inches, sold twice by the same airline.
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Landmark argument
Should you wear shoes inside the house?
The two-second diplomatic incident that happens on every doormat in Britain.
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Landmark argument
Is a burger a sandwich?
The stronger half of the sandwich question, usually sprung as a trap.
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Landmark argument
Should you shower in the morning or at night?
Two routines, one bathroom, and no possibility of a shared answer.
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Landmark argument
Is it acceptable to eat pizza with a knife and fork?
Cutlery, hands, and the small noise somebody always makes across the table.
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Got an argument of your own?
Enough reading other people's disputes. Bring yours before the Tribunal and one of you gets to be right in writing.
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